One in Four

My first miscarriage happened March 11, 2017. We were 8 weeks pregnant and hadn’t even gone in to see the doctor yet. I had a normal, healthy pregnancy with our first child so there was no need for concern. We had known that we were expecting for 3 weeks before it happened so we told too many people and went and took “Only Child Expiring October 2017” pictures. We were ecstatic to add to our family.

Then one Friday night, I woke up about 4:00 in the morning, bleeding pretty heavily. I immediately went to the hospital and long story short suffered a miscarriage, and passed it on my own. It was very painful and again, coupled with the emotions was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.

Afterwards, I was in a very dark, sad place. I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to work, didn’t want to do anything. I blamed myself like it was something I had done. Did I pick up N too many times, was I drinking enough water, did that coffee I had cause it?? You’re full of questions, worries, anger, anxieties. And then you’re left to deal with it for many months to come. I felt ashamed and embarrassed even though I know now it was nothing I did. No one knows what to say or do so you’re in this weird place where you feel like everyone is “walking on eggshells” around you. Then a week passes, another week, a month. And everyone is moving on with their life and you can’t. You still think, “I would’ve been 12 weeks today, I would have been finding out the sex this week.”, and like today thinking “that baby would have been one year old tomorrow.” Not to mention that many of my friends were announcing their pregnancies and births on Facebook.

I was feeling angry and jealous which is not what I wanted to feel. I wanted to be happy for them but I couldn’t. It was a daily battle of feelings. I was angry at God and thought “why did he do this? Taylor and I are good parents how could this have happened?”  I knew that if this happened again, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I would end up in deep, dark place and scared to death I wouldn’t be able to find my way out.

Then in August, 2017, we found out we were pregnant again. The joy and fear overwhelmed me all at the same time. I was excited for another chance and scared it too wouldn’t last. After one miscarriage any pregnancy is completely different. It’s not about the joy and excitement as much as it should be. It was about the fear and anxiety. Every little cramp you’re worried, every decision is carefully thought out, every avenue is taken to ensure this one will take. I was immediately put on progesterone and had an appoitment the following week in which everything looked good and normal. Things were looking up! I have a wonderful friend who had been inviting me to Church with her for well over a year and I finally said yes to going one Sunday.

I grew up in church, believed in God, prayed every now and then, but that was about it. Also the anger I had felt from the first miscarriage was still in the back of my head. But, I went and loved it.  I also started doing a devotional every night about praying with God for your unborn child and pregnancy. I’ve never in my life felt like God was literally reaching out to me and calling my name telling me to follow and trust in him. I started praying throughout the day instead of just at night. I began reading passages in my bible and writing down verses that stood out to me. I was building a personal relationship with God, completely different than I’ve ever experienced before. I had a sense of peace and comfort that wasn’t there previously. It was amazing. Then a night in September I woke up and once again, I was bleeding. It was so reminiscent of last time that sadness completely took over. I knew at that moment we had lost another one. It was during the week this time so I figured first thing in the morning I would go to the Doctor.  My husband held me as I cried and wondered how this could happen again. I had been taking Progesterone since the day I found out, I had been extra cautious in everything I was doing, I had been going to church and praying! How is this possible? I was doing everything right! I stayed up all night praying, thinking, wondering. The next morning I went to my doctors office and to our surprise they found a heartbeat. We were so excited and thankful but I still had a feeling of worry that something isn’t right. I tried to stay positive because we got good news and I didn’t want to be the “downer” or the “always looking for the worst” in a situation kind of person. So I went about the next week being extra careful not to pick up N (which is not easy for mamma loving two year old), taking it easy and not doing a lot to push my body.  A week later we went to my follow up and it was that day that they told me, “there’s no heartbeat”. We were 10 weeks. My husband and I looked at each other and I just began to cry. That day will forever live on in my memory. Here we were, going through it again.

This time was different for many reasons. The experience itself was different because my body thought I was still pregnant so I was still having all the pregnancy symptoms of nausea and headaches. I wasn’t able to pass on my own like I did the first time so they scheduled me for a D&C the following Monday. I was put to sleep for the procedure which hadn’t happened since I had my wisdom teeth out in high school so I was scared and nervous. But, this time I had God with me. Not that he wasn’t with me before, but this time, he was there and I didn’t shun him away. I gravitated towards him. My relationship with him got stronger instead of more distant. I felt a sense of comfort, knowing that he was there with us. I don’t know how to properly explain it to be honest. I normally hide from the world when things like this happen but we got up that Sunday, the day before the D&C, and went to church. I’ve been going for a few weeks at this point and this was the first time that before the sermon, one of the pastors said something different. He said something on the lines of “Before we get into the message today, I want to pray for you (speaking to the room but knowing he was speaking to me). I feel like you have walked in here with a burden on your heart this morning, with some struggle going on in your life and I want you to know God knows your struggle, he see’s you, and he is here with you today and tomorrow.”  He goes on to say a few more things that just confirm to me that God is with me today, yesterday, tomorrow, and everyday. He also closed out the service with this as well, reiterating that someone walked in today with sadness in their heart, he felt it and wanted to pray for them. I had my D&C the following morning and luckily it went well with no complications. Then a week or so went by and there was about 4-5 days where I started feeling angry, sad, and depressed. I had started a new devotional, “Walking through miscarriage with God” in the bible app on my phone, when we found out there wasn’t a heartbeat.  But, I was so angry I hadn’t read it in a few days. Then someone shared a post on Facebook about October being pregnancy and infant loss month. I felt the urge to message her and we ended up sharing our stories with one another and praying for each other. I told her about how thankful I was that God was at the fore front of all of this which was making it easier. I informed her of the devotional I was reading and some songs that had really helped me. After our conversation I thought, “here I am telling her about my devotional and how much it’s helped and I haven’t even read it in 4 days because I’ve been so angry and upset!”  So, I decided to open it to catch up. Y’all, I swear to this, it started off saying that it was okay to be angry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to wonder why, but do not let that deter you from God. In the darkest of hours is when we should turn to him. He is the light. Use this unfortunate situation to share your story, help someone else that may be going through it, and to spread the word of God. I started crying my eyes out because it was exactly (WORD FOR WORD PEOPLE!) what I had been feeling and what I had just done.  A few months later we found out once again, we were pregnant.  My HCG levels weren’t rising like they should.  My doctor at the time kept stating it was fine, I was probably too early for the anything to show up on the ultrasound, go home and we’ll check again in a few weeks.  I finally decided to change doctors during this because my current one didn’t seem concerned at all at what was going on and made me feel like I was over reacting.  I am so glad that I did, because my new doctor confirmed that at 10 weeks it was an blighted ovum pregnancy.  I miscarried at 12 weeks.  From that moment on, I knew I had to share my story.  I had to help others. I had to continue to trust God and his timing for my life.   But I got through it.  Stronger.  More aware.  And most importantly closer to God.

I could go on and on telling you things that have happened over the past year and a half that would continue to solidify the fact that God has walked with me every single day to get me through this tragedy. I feel at peace with what has happened and also excited about the future that God has in store for me. He knows what we’re going through and he wants us to turn to him. So, I did and my life will be forever changed. Do I still cry and have bad days? Yes. Do I still get angry sometimes and wonder why me? Yes. Do I still dream of who those babies would have been or if they were a boy or a girl? Yes!  But, I am no where near the dark place that I was the first time I went through this without turning to God. My relationship with him has grown into something so amazing that again, it’s hard to even explain unless you’ve experienced it too. I know that he has a plan for me and my family and whatever that plan is, I will follow it. Even if this happens again and again, we will get through it. I am normally a very “keep to myself” kind of person but I know God has called me to share his word through my loss. So here I am. If you are going through miscarriage, infant loss, child loss or a just a loss in your faith, I am here for you. I will pray with you and be someone you can cry and vent to. We are not alone. We are not to blame. We are one in four.

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