Today is the day. The day I get to take a pregnancy test. You go to bed the night before, excited, hopeful. But before I even get out of bed, I know. I’m hurting. Cramping. I get up to go the bathroom and it’s confirmed. We’re starting over. Another month. Another 30 days. More stressful weeks of counting days, tracking ovulation, tracking basal body temperature. The wait can be exhausting. And like today, sad. My emotions are taking over and I’m struggling not to cry with every sad song I hear or every sad thought that comes to mind.
My last four pregnancies we tried for two months tops and always got pregnant. Getting pregnant wasn’t our issue. T could look at me and boom! Prego! But since this last miscarriage 9 months ago, our struggle to stay pregnant has turned into a struggle to get pregnant. My periods have not regulated like they should. I’ll have a month of just spotting, then bleed for one day and stop completely. Then I’ll have a month of a normal period for 4 days in which I get so hopeful only to have those hopes squashed the next month when it goes back to being erratic and unpredictable.
I’m now beginning to wonder if I’m even ovulating. I should probably go ahead and make the appt to start that process to find out. I dread even having to make that phone call. I don’t know why. Fear I guess. Fear that now it’s a completely different issue. Fear that now we may struggle for years just to get pregnant and fear that if we do that it may not last. I ended up purchasing the Ava Bracelet in September. It is supposed to double your chances of getting pregnant by using multiple factors other than period dates to determine your exact fertile days. I’m hoping that by using it for a couple months we might be able to get some more accurate days and finally see those two pink lines. And if not, maybe I will feel more comfortable to go to the doctor and possibly get on chlomid, which a drug that helps you ovulate.
As I sit here, writing this with tears in my eyes, I know God is faithful. I know that his timing is not my own. Does it make me less sad to know that? No, it doesn’t. Of course I’m going to be sad. Of course I’m going to cry and have moments of why. But, I know I won’t go through this emotional roller coaster alone. I know that my time is coming. I know that he is with me. The waiting game is the hardest. But that’s when I reach out to him. That’s when I cry out and just tell him I need him. I ask for strength to get me through another month. For wisdom and understanding to why this isn’t happening for me at the moment. And most of all for patience. I need to be still and know that he is God.
I hope that in sharing my story, my struggles, my fears, that I am in some way helping others. That you know you’re not alone in this. That you know that with God everything is possible. It is because of him that I know I can make it through another 30, 60, or even 90 days. I will be repeating one of my favorite verses over and over in my head today.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT