It’s hard to want to write or basically do anything when you’re waking up with a headache every single day. Hormones….I hate you. Surge of estrogen they call it, yet it feels like a surge of little jack hammers going to town on my head. It’s hard to focus, work, be in a room with light. It’s hard to smile and make conversation when all I want to do it lay down and go to sleep. I don’t know why my body has not bounced back from our last miscarriage in January. You’d think after almost 12 months it would finally start to regulate again. But, it doesn’t. Maybe it’s my age that has something to do with it. Who knows. But having 33 day cycles one month and 18 the next, it’s hard to stay positive especially when it’s causing debilitating headaches. I know with cycles like these I’m probably not ovulating. And as any woman knows you have to ovulate to get pregnant.
Today is one of those days where I’m struggling to stay positive. Today, all I want to do is sit in a room and cry. My posts are normally pretty upbeat because I have faith in God and his timing for my life. But like any normal woman who so desperately wants to have another child, today I’m failing. I do have faith and I trust in God, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still have bad days. Days where I want to shut out the world and just scream. I know that this life is nothing compared to the amazingness that I will experience one day in heaven. I know that he has a plan for me, whether it is to have another child of my own or not. But, again, today I feel like a failure. If I’m going to have a blog and share my struggles of miscarriage and infertility with you all I have to be real. I have to be honest. I have to let you know that some days I don’t have it all together. Some days I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. And today, is one of those days.