A year ago today, I was pregnant with what would ultimately be my third miscarriage. I was scared, sad, and felt so alone. “How could this be happening to me again”, I remember thinking. I look back over this past year and can see the growth of the person God knew I could be. Through it all, I have peace with the road I have traveled down. I have a peace that only God can give. He brought me out of darkness, sadness, and turmoil and made me whole again. When you suffer multiple miscarriages and then go on to have fertility issues, some days you want to give up. Some days you want to delete every fertility app on your phone, throw away your Ava bracelet, stop all medications and just scream. It’s okay to have those days. Because, I’ve learned over these past two years that stars can not shine without darkness.
God has a plan for me. A plan that some days I can’t seem to understand. A plan that doesn’t always match up to mine. But, I have to remember that it is HIS plan. HIS perfect will. Not my own. And because I know that God loves me and cares for me more than I could possibly imagine, I have to trust in him. I have to relinquish all control and put my faith in him. I’m looking forward to this new year, whatever it may bring. Maybe I will get pregnant and carry to term. And maybe I won’t. Maybe God will put it on our hearts to adopt. Maybe God will take me in a completely different direction that I haven’t even considered yet! But whatever happens, good or bad, my relationship with my creator will continue to grow. My relationship with my husband will still stand strong. The time I spend with my daughter will be more cherished. And I will continue to share my story in hopes of bringing light to miscarriage. I will tell people how God has changed my life for the better. How without my miscarriages, I probably wouldn’t have the relationship that I now have with him. And how through the darkest of hours, I found the light.