If you’ve read my last blog post Trust then you know I am finally on a new journey of hope with this rainbow baby. Of course I’m praying for a healthy baby but most of all I’m praying to get through these first 12 weeks. My first miscarriage I made it to 8 weeks, second to 10 weeks, and the third to 12 (although it was a bit different considering it was a blighted ovum pregnancy). So naturally, I’m trying to stay focused on the future, these next few months, in hopes of being able to carry this precious one to term. However, I am still plagued by the little ones I was unable to carry. I still think about those times, waking up in the middle of the night to pee and seeing red. I’ve been laying in bed the past few nights having the urge to go soooo bad, but being nervous to get up and having that same moment all over again. This morning was the same. I laid in bed as long as I could until finally I had to get up and luckily everything was fine.
I love that God speaks to us, through music, devotionals, his word, other people, to help us in our time of weakness. In my devotional this morning I read, “There is no room for your past in your future”. What a powerful and true statement that I know was directed right at me. Our past is exactly that. The past. You can’t dwell on it or rehash it (as hard as it may seem), but learn from it and keep moving. Can we change the past? No, we can’t. We can only continue to move forward, day by day, with faith and trust in God.
When I’m feeling worried or stressed over the next few weeks, I am going let go of that anxiety, give it God, and be thankful for all that he has done for me. He has blessed me with a loving husband, an amazing daughter, and now the joy of finally being pregnant again. He wants us to come to him. He wants us to yell out to him in our time of weakness and disparity. He loves us and wants nothing more than to comfort us and be here for us. He knows my desire to have another baby. He knows the struggles my family has gone through over the past two years. He hears me and he answers me.
From this point on I will not dwell on the past. I will not take myself back to that place of darkness and sadness. I will not let the evil one put negative thoughts into my mind. I will discern the voice of God and I will be strong and courageous. I will trust in my creator and his plans for me and my family. Because there is no room for my past in my future.