The Ugly Truth

On my last blog, I shared the fact that I haven’t been writing much about this pregnancy because, well, it basically sucks.  But, many of you reached out to me and told me to share away and not feel the guilt I was feeling for complaining about something I am eternally grateful for.  So here it is.  The ugly truth.  Today I am officially in my third trimester.  The home stretch.  The final countdown.  The last of the Mohicans.  Haha sorry, I loved that movie when I was little.  Everyone says the second trimester is the best.  You have more energy, you’re feeling good, not too many pregnancy related issues.  Just enjoy it while you can!  Well, they’re all liars.  Big. Fat. Liars.  Mine was miserable.  All the horrible pregnancy symptoms that most people don’t start to get until their third trimester, I’ve had since the beginning of my second.  So needless to say, I’m a bit terrified of what these next 12 weeks will be like.  For starters, I have had heartburn since my FIRST trimester.  If you are one of those lucky people who have never had heartburn, please 3don’t talk to me. Just kidding, but seriously when you feel like you could torch an entire city with one breath like an angry dragon on Game of Thrones, then you’d understand that miserable feeling in your throat.  Not only does it burn like someone pouring acid straight down your esophagus, but you can’t keep food down either!  I can not eat anything past six pm at night.  And for a pregnant woman who is ALWAYS hungry, that’s not an easy task. But if I do, I will be laying in bed, when all of a sudden, food, acid whatever the heck it is, comes right back up into my throat and I almost choke.  Yes, choke.  As I immediately sit up, at two in the morning,  and run to the toilet to vomit, it every so slowly trickles back down my throat burning like a California wildfire the entire way down.  No amount of medicine, ice, ice cream, or milk can subdue this vicious cycle.  I just prop my pillows up so that I’m not laying flat, and try to go back to sleep.

As I lay there, slowly starting to drift back off, my left leg decides to have, what seems like, it’s very own panic attack.  It shakes and jerks like a toddler that refuses to get into a car seat.  Thankfully the car seat has straps so once they’re in, THEY’RE IN.  If only I could construct some magical contraption to strap that leg into place on my mattress!  I might have to look into this one day when I actually have time and have had enough sleep to develop some sort of cognitive thinking.  But, then again, if I’m strapped in, how would I be able to jump out out of bed when the leg cramps and charlie horses start??? And when I say jump, I mean JUMP. Standing and stomping on my feet is the only thing to get it to stop. Then I have to make a few laps around my house to literally walk it off.  At least it’s a quiet walk considering now it’s four in the morning and I’m the only one awake.  After a few laps, I make a trip to the bathroom to pee, because let’s face it, if I don’t I will be up again within the next hour.  At this point, I can finally lay down and try to get a couple hours of sleep before my alarm goes off at six thirty.  I honestly think I’ll get more sleep when the baby gets here!  At least I did with my first child.

I will kindly spare you all the gruesomeness of the hemorrhoids, suppositories, and old lady donut I have to sit on every day.  But, what I will say, is during these hours I’m awake at night, can’t sleep, almost in tears because I’m tired and hurting, I take that time to pray and thank God.  Yes, THANK HIM.  I may be hurting.  I may feel miserable and like I can’t take anymore.  But, I am STILL thankful for this pregnancy.  For the opportunity to carry a child to term after three miscarriages.  I am thankful for the journey he has taken me down and the struggles that came along with it.  It’s in our weakness that God makes us strong.  When I feel like I’m drowning, he grabs my hand, and pulls me out of the water, so I can take that breath of life.  If you are in the same boat, drowning in what seems like a complete oblivion, close your eyes, reach out your hand, and pray.  Trust me when I say, he will grab it.


7 Comments Add yours

  1. Tina says:

    We’re going through totally different things, but they’re both hormone related, so I understand your struggles. Your pregnant, while my ovaries are counting down the days to menopause…only I started perimenopause way younger than I’d prefer. I swear it started in my late 30’s. I’m 45 now and my mom informs me that she didn’t hit menopause (as in, she didn’t stop) until she was 52. I’m thinking… Don’t Tell me I’ll be going through this for another 7 years! She says to me, “I don’t know why people make such a big deal about menopause. It was no big deal.” I don’t know what she went through, but it’s not the same thing I’m experiencing. I know what you mean when you say, “they lied!” It’s tough when people don’t understand or belittle your struggles. God is truly amazing though. When the people that should be more helpful aren’t helpful at all, he sends you sisters who pray for you and tell you to spill the beans. I don’t share the perimenopause side of things on my blog because I believe people won’t understand, so I just say health struggles. I have Hashimoto’s disease as well, but I have no idea what causes what. Both conditions are hormone related, and I suspect that they play off of one another, as hormones are connected. But I suspect that a lot of what I’m going through is the roller coaster ride called perimenopause.

    Thanks so much for sharing. It makes me feel less alone in my own struggles.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carolyn Hokkanen-Hawkins says:

    I love your honesty, sweetheart. I remember how I felt when I was pregnant and it was not all peaches and cream. I think Jennifer was the easiest of the four that I had. But, oh…look at her now! It was well worth it all. Love you so much!


    1. Carolyn Hokkanen-Hawkins says:

      Tina…I do understand and I know perimenopause is very painful, physically and emotionally. I started at about age 36 and was done with the beet red flushes about age 44. I was way early as was my mother…love what you wrote…you are not alone!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Tina says:

        Thank you. Sorry I must have missed your comment. I came back here to try and find the author to a poem I posted for Casey, and I just saw your response now. Thanks for saying you understand. I don’t know why that helps, but it does. 😊


  3. Tina says:

    You have been nominated for The Barnabas Award, pretty lady. You don’t have to respond to it if you don’t want to but, I did want to give you some kukos for your blog. Thanks for being open and real, and giving your readers kicks in the pants through your words. Hope things are going well with you. You’re in my prayers Casey. If you want to accept The Barnabas Award, the instructions are on my blog, and if not that’s totally fine too! It’s been a blessing to follow you on WordPress.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh neat!!! I actually haven’t been on in awhile. I have no idea what that award is but illl look into it! That’s exciting!!! Hope you’re doing well Tina! Continued prayers for you girl!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Tina says:

        As well as for you! How far along are you now? When is your due date?


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